Category: 
So it hasn’t rained in this city for 8 weeks and we’re all starting to go a little mad trying to keep our foliage alive. I’m not alone in this. For the lucky ones (or wise) who installed sprinkler systems, their little green rectanglular pieces of heaven stand out like hips on Kelly Clarkson. I myself have this ingenious system of hoses and splitters to get maximum coverage with the least effort without forking over 3 grand for underground pipes and rainbirds. This was all well and good for the first 4 weeks of drought, then things started getting ugly and brown.
Even the professionally installed systems reveal their flaws after 2 months without rain, especially when 8 of those days were over 100 degrees Fahrenheit and most of the rest in the high 90’s. Water spreads out in round patterns on lawns with straight lines, revealing these little triangular brown patches all over the place.
What I’ve found that when you’re moving your hoses and various attachments around every day is that in the second month of drought your efforts resemble that of a plate spinner extending his efforts beyond his capabilities to run back to the first plate in time to save it before it tumbles to the ground. I now have brown rectangles, triangles, squiggles and various other shapes all over my lawn. More amusing is the areas that for some reason got double doses some days because I didn’t position everything correctly or forgot to move the water now have grass that is 3 times higher than everywhere else.
Turns out the St. Augstine loves heat, as long as it gets lots of water. It will reward you when you least want it to.
Hey, I just want it green, I didn’t want it to grow tall.
So I examined the whole system looking for ways I can improve my little setup. I came to the conclusion that if I got one of those 50 foot hoses with the tiny holes all along it I could manuver it around the yard to the long brown streaks of parched grass and transform it back into an oasis. Sounds like a plan.
Too bad we’re in a drought and Home Depot, Lowes, and Wal-Mart are stripped bare of the good stuff. I called around and found one Lowes within 10 miles that had the coveted sprinkler hose, as they call it. I thought all hoses were sprinkler hoses because that’s what I connect them to, but I was wrong. Those are lawn hoses, sprinkler hoses are the ones with the holes. I decided buy one instead of taking an existing hose and drilling tiny holes all along it. That could only end up badly.
Proudly I return my prize to the house, hook it up and carefully spread out the 50 feet snaking it along to the areas that need it. I crank the water up and proceed to watch in horror and a single fountain shoots up 20 feet into the air. WTF?
After careful examination it turns out I got a bad hose. Punch machine must have gotten jammed I figure, stamping a dozen holes in the same spot. Dissappointed but not wavering from my task, I quickly return the hose and grab another one, this time from a different box on the shelf. I’m hoping the problem with one lot was found and didn’t spread to an entire days work from that factory, or something like that.
It’s now too late to water, but I hook up the new hose to the system and lay it out so it will be ready for the 5am water wake up call. (It’s getting serious now, I have to get up to water to maximize my efforts at the optimal watering time.) The next morning I turn on the system and everything roars to life, including my new sprinkler hose. It looks like this one’s OK. Or so I thought…
An hour later I go back out to shut it all off and find not one, but two huge streams of water coming from the beginning and the end of my new sprinkler hose! WTF? I’m guessing now that the pressure eventually broke loose 2 spots on the line and all the water had been spraying out of those. To make it worse, one of those holes pointed toward the street shooting half way across. Free Car Wash!
Now I’m pissed.
I figure there’s no point in replacing this one, the whole lot is bad. In fact, lets just assume the whole company that made them is crap and save the time.
This is a job for duct tape! Better yet, waterproof duct tape!
I got this stuff to repair a pipe when I couldn’t get to the shut off valve and it really works. It sticks underwater if you want it to. What kind of genius do you have to be to invent a duct tape that will stick and stop leaks underwater? Off the scale, that’s what. I mark the 2 holes, shut off the line and patch them up. Confident I’ve got this one solved I turn on the water and incredibly, a new 3rd whole busts out the middle, and the cap the holds the end of the hose springs huge leaks all over.
This is without a doubt the worst product I have ever purchased in my life. Thank you Lowes, you really set the bar this time.
Incredibly, I stopped the leak on the end cap by crimping it with my bare hands. Who was working the press that day? Kate Moss? I proceeded to patch the 3rd hole. After all, it’s not like I’m going to run out of this amazing tape. Anybody have 100 feet of leaks? I didn’t think so.
The hose is now working, although I’m not holding my breath on it lasting the season. Just in time to get our first drop of rain today in 8 weeks and 2 days.
Timing, they say, is everything.
Stay green my friends…
